


Hate the Sin, Love the Sinner

by RushingHeadlong



Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018), Queen (Band)
Genre: Character Study, Gen, Homophobia, Period-Typical Homophobia, Religion, Slurs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-09
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-15 01:28:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29925861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RushingHeadlong/pseuds/RushingHeadlong
Summary: It’s a struggle for John to understand Freddie’s new sexuality, and accepting it might be beyond him entirely - but that doesn’t mean he isn’t going to try.
Relationships: John Deacon & Freddie Mercury
Comments: 5
Kudos: 13





	Hate the Sin, Love the Sinner

**Author's Note:**

> The inspiration from this fic came mainly from [this interview](https://rock-it-tonight.tumblr.com/post/637350200567054336) where John says:
> 
> _Interviewer: What are your thoughts on homosexuality?_   
>  _John: It contradicts the natural law, but there are situations where it's better to be that way for certain people. But the problem is, I think once you're older there's the issue of not having kids and I think you'd worry about the future. That's why I got married._
> 
> I want to recognize upfront that there are possibly some translation issues at play here (with John’s answer originally being printed in Japanese, and then later translated back into English by fans). This fic is NOT intended to be an argument that “proves” that John was homophobic, but only an exploration of what his internal struggle could have looked like IF that translation is accurate. 
> 
> Also, the slurs mentioned here are [taken directly from Ratty's book](https://rushingheadlong.tumblr.com/post/644590909860741120) and are not spoken to Freddie directly, and some of the homophobia described here is religious-based due to John's Catholicism.
> 
> **If you think that any of this is going to be upsetting to you, please just skip over this fic instead of reading it.**
> 
> (And a huge thanks to my friends in the DL server who read this over for me and offered feedback on it! ♥)

It would be easier, John thinks, if Freddie had just told them from the start. Not that John particularly wants to have conversations about what his bandmates get up to in the bedroom, but at least then they wouldn’t have been blindsided by this.

Freddie wouldn’t have even needed to make a big deal out of it. He could have just told them in passing, _By the way I’m a bit of a poof, just wanted to let you know!_ instead of simply showing up backstage one day hanging off the arm of another man with fire in his eyes, daring someone to cause a scene about it.

Because John had wanted to cause a scene. He wanted to ask Freddie what game he thought was playing, wanted to demand to know how long this had been going on for, how long Freddie had been _lying_ to them about this - because he did lie to them, every time he said that his campness wasn’t like _that_ , that it was just an act, a bit of a joke, darling, don’t take things so _seriously_ all the time-

But this is serious, serious enough that John was stunned into silence, his discomfort and shock rendering him speechless and so he said nothing in the moment - and now, too much time has passed for him to ever say anything at all.

He didn’t know, that’s the thing. Or maybe he just didn’t want to know, didn’t want to see the warning signs that seem so obvious now in hindsight. Roger and Brian had already figured it out, or if they didn’t they’re at least not surprised by this turn of events. Roger had rolled with the news without any fuss, and when John had raised an eyebrow at Brian he had just shrugged and said, “It would explain a lot.”

John isn’t sure that it does, though. Freddie had Mary for the longest time, after all... and the girls he brought back to the hotel during those earliest tours... and there were those jokes about groupies that they _all_ cracked from time to time...

John didn’t know that Freddie's break-up wasn’t _just_ a break-up, that it came with Mary being replaced with David. He didn’t see (or didn’t _want_ to see) how Freddie’s short hair and leather costumes made him look too much like the men who hurried into those dark bars with blacked-out windows that the general public pretends aren't there at all. If the clues were there then John had his head buried in the sand, refusing to see them for what they were - but John can’t avoid it any longer, no matter how much he may want to.

It’s not just that John is taken aback by it. He feels _betrayed_ , not only by Freddie but by all those who saw this coming and didn’t think to warn John of what was on the horizon. He feels like an idiot for brushing aside the gossip and rumors, for filling in the gaps in Freddie’s life with what he wanted to see rather than what was actually there. He thinks he might hate Freddie for keeping this to himself for so long, but he _knows_ that he hates himself for missing what was right underneath his nose this whole time.

To his credit, he pushes those feelings down and rolls with this as best he can. John doesn’t say anything when David becomes Joe becomes Tony and Thor and the half-dozen hangers-on that encompass Freddie’s new friend group. He doesn’t say anything when Freddie starts jokingly calling them “Maggie” and “Liz” and “Belicia”, or when Peter becomes “Phoebe” to almost everyone in the road crew. He laughs at Freddie’s innuendos, and refuses to join the roadies in jokingly calling him a “faggot” or “homo”... but that doesn’t mean that John has to _like_ what Freddie is flaunting around them either.

It’s just not right. It goes against the natural law. It goes against God’s law. For most of John’s life, it had gone against English law as well - and really, who were they to decide that it was suddenly perfectly fine to embrace everything that God and nature had already condemned?

John isn’t exactly the most devout Catholic in the world. It’s hard to be, when Queen’s schedule keeps him from attending Sunday mass every week like he knows he should. And maybe it’s hypocritical of him to judge Freddie for his sins when John knows that he goes too long between his own confessions, but John still knows enough Church doctrine to know that there’s a difference between drinking to excess and letting his eyes linger a moment too long on a pretty girl, and whatever it is Freddie is getting up to with those men.

_If any one lie with a man as with a woman, both have committed an abomination, let them be put to death: their blood be upon them._

It’s there in the text, in black and white, and John can’t ignore that, no matter how much he may want to.

He can’t ignore the experts on the telly, talking about the risks homosexuals pose to society. He can’t ignore the whispered rumors about Freddie’s new lifestyle and the damage that such speculation can cause to the band. He can’t ignore his upbringing and the teachings of Church leaders and thousands of years of the world turning and humanity marching forward because men and women are designed to be each other’s perfect match.

But John isn’t dealing with strangers and unknown dangers here. He’s dealing with _Freddie_ \- his friend, the one who took him under his wing when John was young and they were just starting out, who always made sure that John’s voice was heard and his ideas weren’t ignored, who listened to John’s opinions and gave them a weight that few people used to do.

This is Freddie, who would probably laugh if anyone tried calling him a “degenerate” and whose greatest failing - besides his homosexuality - is occasionally going a bit too hard with the partying and shopping. That’s not a sin that’s unique to him, though, and John has to wonder… if Freddie’s only fault is choosing to be queer, is that alone enough to outweigh all the good that John knows is in him?

It’s a question that John grapples with, for weeks and months on end, trying to find an answer that makes sense with both his knowledge of the universe and what he knows of his friend. He watches Freddie, looking desperately for any sign that this lifestyle is corrupting him - but the only changes that John can see are positive ones.

Freddie laughs more freely than he used to. He smiles a bit wider when he sees his partner du jour than he ever did for Mary. He’s still coy with reporters but he doesn’t carry that same tension anymore when it’s just the four of them. There’s a wistful look in Freddie’s eyes, sometimes, when their families come around, but he’s the same Uncle Freddie to all their kids that he’s always been and if anything, John finds that he just _pities_ him.

He pities that Freddie gave up his chance to have a family and children of his own. He pities him for never being able to marry and never being able to know the love of a wife, and he worries about what Freddie’s future will look like once his men and his clubs are gone and he’s left alone.

But he’s only scared _for_ Freddie - not _of_ him. And once he realizes that, he can see how what he thought was hate was only ever fear, and a disappointment in himself that he couldn’t recognize the truth sooner.

John may not understand why Freddie chose to turn to homosexuality and he may never be entirely comfortable with some of his associates that now find their way backstage at every Queen show, but there’s no denying that Freddie is happier now than John thinks he’s ever seen him before.

His faith and his upbringing and his knowledge of the world might tell John that this is wrong, but if this is what makes Freddie happy then John has to trust that he weighed his options and decided that this is the best path for him, despite the things that he has to give up to walk it. John might not _approve_ , but he can accept that this isn’t going to change - and from there, he thinks he can eventually learn to accept Freddie being gay as well.


End file.
